Top 11 Best Subject Lines for Erectile Dysfunction Spam

Whenever I need inspiration with writing, I don’t open a thesaurus or pick up the latest NYtimes article. Nay, when I need examples of true outside-the-box approaches to English grammar, syntax and word choice, I turn to the fascinating world of junk email.  It is a striking reminder of how impoverished our imaginations have become and how rigid our ingrained expressive boundaries are with respect to language when we are confronted with examples of messages that have been created by those with zero understanding of those boundaries. So for your enjoyment, below is a snapshot of subject lines I have actually received. They are in no actual order. What are your favorites?

Training Kids for Late-Life Parental Care?

This toy really exists. I saw it at a Target. someone actually thought, “since little girls like to play mommy with infant dolls, surely they’ll love to play caretaker for the elderly!” Change your aged father’s diapers! Don’t forget to tuck in his grey, wrinkled ball sack! Argue with nursing staff on his behalf and remind him your name as you take over power of attorney and sort out his assets! Fun for all ages!

 

Top 8 Facts About Being a New Dad

1. “Please excuse the drool”  is definitely an acceptable greeting/disclaimer for the appearance of your clothes.

2. Related to #1: your instincts were spot on with t-shirt colors. You should always go dark to cover up milk spit-up. The darker the better. Try black.

3. Being forced to carry armfuls of accessories and bags full of baby stuff, you in no way appear as though wherever you go, you are moving in.

4. Contrary to your previously held beliefs, you don’t need 8 hours of sleep. It is possible for the human body to function at peak efficiency on 3 to 4 hours. The light trails you see on everything are normal.

5. You are not in denial when you insist that your decade-old band t-shirt with the ink that is chipping off the front is not like sandpaper on a baby’s skin. He likes to be exfoliated this way.

6. When it comes to eating a prepared meal, you can afford to slow down. It isn’t a race. You have plenty of time to ingest those calories before he wakes up. You should not need to resort to a beer helmet fitted with protein shakes.

7. Unless you’re over 70, you don’t need a spotter to get in and out of a bathtub when you decide it’s a good idea to take a bath WITH your infant.

8. Your upper body strength is amazing. After hours of bouncing a crying child in your arms, and wielding an ever heavier carseat, you’re now almost obscenely ripped. There is no longer any need to work out. It also does wonders for your back.

Demand

Mustaches, A PSA

is it REALLY though?

Year after year in the U.S., this once-clear green light for gay men, originally reclaimed from Gilded-Age gentlemen and greasy 1920’s Venice Beach muscle men, has been unfairly and inexplicably re-reclaimed by today’s gangly urban hipsters who are neither Mexican rancheros nor Italian immigrant stereotypes. Sadly, in today’s world, once every minute a gay man sees another man with a big, bushy handlebar mustache in a neon tank-top riding a bicycle and for the first time in history, just isn’t sure.

Some of these mustache usurpers have traveled to small towns and sarcastically entered mustache competitions and even won third, maybe fourth place.

Unfortunately, the assault of big, bushy handlebar mustaches doesn’t end here. What began as a dare in a San Francisco Mission District dive bar has grown into a bristly epidemic. Like all hipster fashion trends, the unfathomable obsession with big, bushy mustaches has entered the mainstream via the usual channels: Urban Outfitters, American Apparel, as some sort of abstruse irony passing as humor.

I get it. It’s cute. When you take a sip it looks like…

But why this??

The influx of t-shirts, trucker hats, and beer coozies featuring images of the big, bushy mustache has effectively obliterated and commodified this once-proud signifier of the gay community.

Stop the abuse.

*disclaimer: I am not actually gay, and have no actual authority with which to make statements on behalf of the gay community. This is just supposed to be funny.

Honesty

Oh Shit I Just Realized…

When we first got married, my wife and I decided to get a dog. Two years later, we decided that the dog needed a dog friend. Then five years later, we decided to have a baby. This progression of decision-making has all but ensured that our son will have two separate, horrifying traumatic losses before he is 8 years old. Nice going dad, you dick.

Our baby will be born sometime in May 2012. Rambo and Lucky, two soft, cuddly, furry animals will afford him hours of play, wet sloppy kisses, falling asleep together on the floor, and warm his innocent little heart, only to get old, smelly, and drop dead at the height of his relationship with them, leading to nightmares, sob attacks, and early onset of depression, or at least a premature existential stoicism usually reserved for marine veterans and that little boy from the Walking Dead.

"He did the right thing, shooting her like that. I would have done that too."

In order to avoid this situation, I suspect my best course of action will be to keep the animals in the house just long enough for him to learn the word “doggy” and then swiftly dispatch them, painlessly, before he can possibly develop any attachment to them.

Alternatively, I can attempt to educate him on the “circle of Life” with hours of repetitive, equally traumatizing viewings of The Lion King, The Neverending Story, and Old Yeller. My god, which is worse?

"ARTAAAAAX NOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Racism

Top 5 Things You Didn’t Know

1. If you pee in The Matrix, you pee in real life.

2. If you die at Disneyland, your spirit stays there for eternity…bad news is you can’t leave Frontierland. (Haunted Mansion, where all the fun spirits are, is just out of reach in New Orleans square)

3. Every time Newt Gingrich laughs an angel loses its wings.

4. drinking alcohol is the leading cause of fun.

5. The song, “You’re So Vain” was written by Carly Simon to Carly Simon’s teeth.

*Special thanks to TheUglyMoose http://theuglymoose.wordpress.com/ for inspiring me to create a top 5 list.

Animal Testing