Tag Archives: satire

Top 8 Facts About Being a New Dad

12 Jul

1. “Please excuse the drool”  is definitely an acceptable greeting/disclaimer for the appearance of your clothes.

2. Related to #1: your instincts were spot on with t-shirt colors. You should always go dark to cover up milk spit-up. The darker the better. Try black.

3. Being forced to carry armfuls of accessories and bags full of baby stuff, you in no way appear as though wherever you go, you are moving in.

4. Contrary to your previously held beliefs, you don’t need 8 hours of sleep. It is possible for the human body to function at peak efficiency on 3 to 4 hours. The light trails you see on everything are normal.

5. You are not in denial when you insist that your decade-old band t-shirt with the ink that is chipping off the front is not like sandpaper on a baby’s skin. He likes to be exfoliated this way.

6. When it comes to eating a prepared meal, you can afford to slow down. It isn’t a race. You have plenty of time to ingest those calories before he wakes up. You should not need to resort to a beer helmet fitted with protein shakes.

7. Unless you’re over 70, you don’t need a spotter to get in and out of a bathtub when you decide it’s a good idea to take a bath WITH your infant.

8. Your upper body strength is amazing. After hours of bouncing a crying child in your arms, and wielding an ever heavier carseat, you’re now almost obscenely ripped. There is no longer any need to work out. It also does wonders for your back.

Demand

6 May

Mustaches, A PSA

18 Apr

is it REALLY though?

Year after year in the U.S., this once-clear green light for gay men, originally reclaimed from Gilded-Age gentlemen and greasy 1920’s Venice Beach muscle men, has been unfairly and inexplicably re-reclaimed by today’s gangly urban hipsters who are neither Mexican rancheros nor Italian immigrant stereotypes. Sadly, in today’s world, once every minute a gay man sees another man with a big, bushy handlebar mustache in a neon tank-top riding a bicycle and for the first time in history, just isn’t sure.

Some of these mustache usurpers have traveled to small towns and sarcastically entered mustache competitions and even won third, maybe fourth place.

Unfortunately, the assault of big, bushy handlebar mustaches doesn’t end here. What began as a dare in a San Francisco Mission District dive bar has grown into a bristly epidemic. Like all hipster fashion trends, the unfathomable obsession with big, bushy mustaches has entered the mainstream via the usual channels: Urban Outfitters, American Apparel, as some sort of abstruse irony passing as humor.

The influx of t-shirts, trucker hats, and beer coozies featuring images of the big, bushy mustache has effectively obliterated and commodified this once-proud signifier of the gay community.

Stop the abuse.

*disclaimer: I am not actually gay, and have no actual authority with which to make statements on behalf of the gay community. This is just supposed to be funny.

Honesty

6 Mar

A Smoker In California

16 Feb