Tag Archives: humor

Top 11 Best Subject Lines for Erectile Dysfunction Spam

4 Oct

Whenever I need inspiration with writing, I don’t open a thesaurus or pick up the latest NYtimes article. Nay, when I need examples of true outside-the-box approaches to English grammar, syntax and word choice, I turn to the fascinating world of junk email.  It is a striking reminder of how impoverished our imaginations have become and how rigid our ingrained expressive boundaries are with respect to language when we are confronted with examples of messages that have been created by those with zero understanding of those boundaries. So for your enjoyment, below is a snapshot of subject lines I have actually received. They are in no actual order. What are your favorites?

Top 8 Facts About Being a New Dad

12 Jul

1. “Please excuse the drool”  is definitely an acceptable greeting/disclaimer for the appearance of your clothes.

2. Related to #1: your instincts were spot on with t-shirt colors. You should always go dark to cover up milk spit-up. The darker the better. Try black.

3. Being forced to carry armfuls of accessories and bags full of baby stuff, you in no way appear as though wherever you go, you are moving in.

4. Contrary to your previously held beliefs, you don’t need 8 hours of sleep. It is possible for the human body to function at peak efficiency on 3 to 4 hours. The light trails you see on everything are normal.

5. You are not in denial when you insist that your decade-old band t-shirt with the ink that is chipping off the front is not like sandpaper on a baby’s skin. He likes to be exfoliated this way.

6. When it comes to eating a prepared meal, you can afford to slow down. It isn’t a race. You have plenty of time to ingest those calories before he wakes up. You should not need to resort to a beer helmet fitted with protein shakes.

7. Unless you’re over 70, you don’t need a spotter to get in and out of a bathtub when you decide it’s a good idea to take a bath WITH your infant.

8. Your upper body strength is amazing. After hours of bouncing a crying child in your arms, and wielding an ever heavier carseat, you’re now almost obscenely ripped. There is no longer any need to work out. It also does wonders for your back.

Demand

6 May

Racism

24 Feb

Top 5 Things You Didn’t Know

21 Feb

1. If you pee in The Matrix, you pee in real life.

2. If you die at Disneyland, your spirit stays there for eternity…bad news is you can’t leave Frontierland. (Haunted Mansion, where all the fun spirits are, is just out of reach in New Orleans square)

3. Every time Newt Gingrich laughs an angel loses its wings.

4. drinking alcohol is the leading cause of fun.

5. The song, “You’re So Vain” was written by Carly Simon to Carly Simon’s teeth.

*Special thanks to TheUglyMoose http://theuglymoose.wordpress.com/ for inspiring me to create a top 5 list.

Animal Testing

18 Feb

The Never-Ending Facebook Poking War

17 Feb

I’m in a never-ending Facebook virtual “poking” war with my wife. I don’t know when the hostilities started, and there is no foreseeable end. I  have no exit strategy. Who has the advantage right now is anyone’s guess. All I know is that the more I poke, the more I am poked in turn. And I often ask my self why – Why this senseless violence?

Like actual war, the poking war is of course futile, and hopelessly cyclical.  The war is however a war of affection, in which each poke is a statement saying, “I am flirting with you”. Since she is my wife, and our marriage is based on some reciprocity, I naturally feel the inclination to return this thoughtful gesture. Still, I am unsure to what degree my return poke is from genuine flirtiness, or rather simply an OCD urge to restore order to my disorderly cyber-universe, like a suspended 4th itching for the resolution to the tonic chord (that’s fancy music-talk);  Or rather still, is it just a desire to politely resolve the uncomfortable imbalance inherent in a yet unreturned whimsical declaration of  endearment? After all, not to do so would be like dropping the paddle and walking away from a ping-pong table, a dick move. With respect to my marriage, I find that minimizing the frequency of dick moves is always the best, and most enjoyable route.

Such is the plight of a socially networked human being.

In some way, the same basic principle in the dilemma of the poking war can be found at work in the sad world of the friend request.  Many of us have a growing queue of unanswered friend requests. Even in this vast world of internet life, where such connections are just as often  professional as personal, I still feel the need to be selective in responding to these.  In the logical part of my brain, I know that the person’s emotional investment in the extension of their virtual hand in friendship was impelled by little more than the habitual, glazed-over clicking of the +1 Add Friend button, which appeared to them only as the result of an automatic suggestion, generated coldly and indifferently based on our mutual network, by the minute algorithmic calculations from the faceless, Facebook server. Or SkyNet, I haven’t quite decided.+

In the human part of my brain however, the one innately programmed to empathize, to help old ladies cross the street, and return a majority of high-fives, I naively imagine that little avatar face, floating in virtual space, smiling, waiting hopefully at the computer for my response. “Please,” they say, “Don’t you <like> me? Are we not <friends>? Have you forgotten about our <4 mutual friends>?…our <8 mutual friends>?…even our <16 mutual friends>?

The desire to reciprocate. The uneasy feeling of neglecting a friendship. The fact that those tendencies cultivated over millenia of evolution already find expressions of themselves in this sterile, 2D format – is amazing and fucking terrifying. How else will humans evolve to adapt to our increasingly mediated existence? Maybe we are all..just got poked again BRB…