Top 8 Facts About Being a New Dad

12 Jul

1. “Please excuse the drool”  is definitely an acceptable greeting/disclaimer for the appearance of your clothes.

2. Related to #1: your instincts were spot on with t-shirt colors. You should always go dark to cover up milk spit-up. The darker the better. Try black.

3. Being forced to carry armfuls of accessories and bags full of baby stuff, you in no way appear as though wherever you go, you are moving in.

4. Contrary to your previously held beliefs, you don’t need 8 hours of sleep. It is possible for the human body to function at peak efficiency on 3 to 4 hours. The light trails you see on everything are normal.

5. You are not in denial when you insist that your decade-old band t-shirt with the ink that is chipping off the front is not like sandpaper on a baby’s skin. He likes to be exfoliated this way.

6. When it comes to eating a prepared meal, you can afford to slow down. It isn’t a race. You have plenty of time to ingest those calories before he wakes up. You should not need to resort to a beer helmet fitted with protein shakes.

7. Unless you’re over 70, you don’t need a spotter to get in and out of a bathtub when you decide it’s a good idea to take a bath WITH your infant.

8. Your upper body strength is amazing. After hours of bouncing a crying child in your arms, and wielding an ever heavier carseat, you’re now almost obscenely ripped. There is no longer any need to work out. It also does wonders for your back.

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2 Responses to “Top 8 Facts About Being a New Dad”

  1. Keeping Up With The Holsbys July 12, 2012 at 9:30 pm #

    Gold. I love 7. Initially I thought I needed a spotter but I’ve progressed. Sadly, I do most baby bouncing with one arm only, so I have one Popeye arm and one T Rex arm!!!

    • chriticalmass July 13, 2012 at 3:18 am #

      oh it was horrifying. Baby and I were alone in the house. He was sooo over bathtime, and then it dawned on me: ok this is going to be dangerous and difficult and he has ZERO patience for my reluctance. No foresight there. I must need practice.

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