“MTV’s THE STATE”s Super-Famous Michael Ian Black Will Drop a Load…of Relationship Wisdom in New Book

That’s right, a new book from THE Michael Ian Black.  Anyone? Bueller?

It truly amazes me that the stone-faced, cynically funny, bitterly unfamous Michael Ian Black isn’t more famous.  For having starred in a hit, hit sketch comedy series on MTV (that you should watch)  as recently as the late 90’s, as well as the phenomenally popular shows “Stella” and “Michael and Michael Have Issues”, appearing in the 2001 cult comedy film Wet Hot American Summer, countless Sierra Mist commercials, and having co-written 3, count em 3 children’s books…clearly he should be up for a lifetime achievement award, and if not someone should be indicted. Did I mention he also has HIS VERY OWN PODCAST, (the medium which, next to the blog, is the height of media-crity), Mike and Tom Eat Snacks, where he and his friend Tom eat snacks? uh, yeah. They could literally be on the air right now, him and his friend Tom, eating snacks, and you are missing it.

As I must assume you are now sufficiently impressed by the comedian’s body of work, you will be thrilled that his new book, You’re Not Doing It Right: Tales Of Marriage, Sex, Death, And Other Humiliations, hits shelves Feb 28. I know, not in time for Valentine’s Day. Bummer.

I, like you, will need an advent calendar filled with cheap, chalky, flavorless chocolate hearts to count the days until the book’s unceremonial release. Not that I actually feel I need relationship advice, but I am dying to read relationship advice if it comes from the guy who recently responded to an A/V Club reader’s question asking if money can really buy love with, “…Also, money can buy so much awesome shit that it lessens the need for love.” and to a question about balancing kids with romance, suggesting, “The other thing you can do is give away some of your kids.” As far as I’m concerned, the dejected, bitter sarcasm of Black kicks that of the other stone-faced “Black” comedian (Lewis Black) in the dejected, stone-faced balls.

Disclaimer: Mr. Black paid me very little money to write this glowing preview of his upcoming book, and I am in no way being held captive in his poolhouse chained naked to a laptop with a Bengal Tiger drooling 3 inches from my face. That said, someone please call the police, just to be safe.

Nice Kitty. Good Kitty. Stay.

The Story: Mountain Lion Attacks Boy at Big Bend National Park in Texas

the Gist: “…the young boy was walking near the park’s lodge with three other people Sunday evening when he was attacked by a “young lion in very poor condition.” The boy’s name wasn’t released. Elkowitz says the animal that attacked the boy will be killed if found.”

I might be way off here, but how backward is this?  A national park has been designated in the wilderness in an effort to preserve nature in that spot. We do this because we humans find some value in maintaining the natural order of certain areas of our continent, unadulterated by industry, pavement, cars and other artifacts of our existence. The point is to preserve the beauty and purity of those ecosystems.

THEN, a 6-year-old human boy is walking through this nature preserve, with I’m sure numerous warning signs about the presence of mountain lions in the area, inadequately protected by adults, and encounters an animal which does what it is NATURALLY supposed to do, that is, find the weakest, easiest target to pursue as prey. The boy is attacked. He survives with minor injuries.  The boy was “treated for puncture wounds and scratches”

SO what do the park authorities do?  They seek out the animal in order to kill it.

Wait, really? We are talking about predatory cats in their natural habitat. Hello mountain lion, congratulations..All this is yours! You are free to roam. Just make sure to stay close enough for the cameras, but not TOO close. There are children and we expect you to “behave”. But that shouldn’t be a problem since, as we’re sure you’re well aware, we saved this 800,000 acres for you. Deal? Great. Cause If you so much as frighten a 6-year-old, we will treat you with the same mentality with which we hunt down serial killers, cause let’s face it, these people paid for a campsite, capiche?

Let’s face the obvious: If humans cared at all about preserving nature  (as defined by that which is not human) we wouldn’t hold nature responsible for the effect that its innate tendencies have on humans. We would not expect animals to conduct themselves within the “thou shall not kill” framework. But that is not the point of course. The point of these parks is to generate tourism and ultimately revenue for the state that is lucky enough to have inhabited a place with as much natural beauty as the Rio Grande.

This animal is not mentally or emotionally diseased, it’s a goddamn COUGAR!! Pretty but dangerous.

If you bought a dozen roses advertised as “no-prick thorns” for Valentines Day , took them home, and  drew blood because you grabbed them by the stems, would you A) return to the florist and demand that he  destroy the flowers, B) Demand reimbursement from the bullshit peddling florist, or C) beat yourself for an hour with a plumber’s wrench for allowing yourself to believe you had bought roses that wouldn’t cut you? The answer is B and C in that order.

If anyone should be hunted down and killed here, it’s the Ranger, for creating a false sense of security.

How to make reality just a little less “reality-y”

Technology is finally catching up to 80’s movie cyborgs. That may sound cool to you, but as you will learn about me, I am only half-joking about the inevitability of an impending cyber apocalypse/robot takeover. Google has further mediated human beings by developing HUD (head -up displays) glasses that will eventually allow the user to map his or her surroundings with a computer display on the inside of the lenses.  Read about it here

remember this?

Terminator Vision

And this?

Robocop Vision

We as a society have decided that the human eye is just so pre-millenium, just doesn’t provide enough information , and that we now need to wear the internet on our faces in order to interpret objects directly in front of said faces.

I can’t tell you how excited I am to get to the point where not only do I have to  decide if the guy over there having a conversation with himself is insane, talking to me, or on his bluetooth, but also have to walk down the aisle of the supermarket and dodge 100 Robocops using GPS navigation to find the location of the canned peas.

I already feel somewhat disconnected from reality communicating this sentence to a vast, anonymous internet world,  it’s amazing to me just how much farther we can still go to finally sever our consciousness completely from the physical, natural world while existing within it.