Tag Archives: sarcasm

Top 8 Facts About Being a New Dad

12 Jul

1. “Please excuse the drool”  is definitely an acceptable greeting/disclaimer for the appearance of your clothes.

2. Related to #1: your instincts were spot on with t-shirt colors. You should always go dark to cover up milk spit-up. The darker the better. Try black.

3. Being forced to carry armfuls of accessories and bags full of baby stuff, you in no way appear as though wherever you go, you are moving in.

4. Contrary to your previously held beliefs, you don’t need 8 hours of sleep. It is possible for the human body to function at peak efficiency on 3 to 4 hours. The light trails you see on everything are normal.

5. You are not in denial when you insist that your decade-old band t-shirt with the ink that is chipping off the front is not like sandpaper on a baby’s skin. He likes to be exfoliated this way.

6. When it comes to eating a prepared meal, you can afford to slow down. It isn’t a race. You have plenty of time to ingest those calories before he wakes up. You should not need to resort to a beer helmet fitted with protein shakes.

7. Unless you’re over 70, you don’t need a spotter to get in and out of a bathtub when you decide it’s a good idea to take a bath WITH your infant.

8. Your upper body strength is amazing. After hours of bouncing a crying child in your arms, and wielding an ever heavier carseat, you’re now almost obscenely ripped. There is no longer any need to work out. It also does wonders for your back.

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“MTV’s THE STATE”s Super-Famous Michael Ian Black Will Drop a Load…of Relationship Wisdom in New Book

13 Feb

That’s right, a new book from THE Michael Ian Black.  Anyone? Bueller?

It truly amazes me that the stone-faced, cynically funny, bitterly unfamous Michael Ian Black isn’t more famous.  For having starred in a hit, hit sketch comedy series on MTV (that you should watch)  as recently as the late 90’s, as well as the phenomenally popular shows “Stella” and “Michael and Michael Have Issues”, appearing in the 2001 cult comedy film Wet Hot American Summer, countless Sierra Mist commercials, and having co-written 3, count em 3 children’s books…clearly he should be up for a lifetime achievement award, and if not someone should be indicted. Did I mention he also has HIS VERY OWN PODCAST, (the medium which, next to the blog, is the height of media-crity), Mike and Tom Eat Snacks, where he and his friend Tom eat snacks? uh, yeah. They could literally be on the air right now, him and his friend Tom, eating snacks, and you are missing it.

As I must assume you are now sufficiently impressed by the comedian’s body of work, you will be thrilled that his new book, You’re Not Doing It Right: Tales Of Marriage, Sex, Death, And Other Humiliations, hits shelves Feb 28. I know, not in time for Valentine’s Day. Bummer.

I, like you, will need an advent calendar filled with cheap, chalky, flavorless chocolate hearts to count the days until the book’s unceremonial release. Not that I actually feel I need relationship advice, but I am dying to read relationship advice if it comes from the guy who recently responded to an A/V Club reader’s question asking if money can really buy love with, “…Also, money can buy so much awesome shit that it lessens the need for love.” and to a question about balancing kids with romance, suggesting, “The other thing you can do is give away some of your kids.” As far as I’m concerned, the dejected, bitter sarcasm of Black kicks that of the other stone-faced “Black” comedian (Lewis Black) in the dejected, stone-faced balls.

Disclaimer: Mr. Black paid me very little money to write this glowing preview of his upcoming book, and I am in no way being held captive in his poolhouse chained naked to a laptop with a Bengal Tiger drooling 3 inches from my face. That said, someone please call the police, just to be safe.